


Lust and Lies

by Godahl



Series: Genderqueer Sly Cooper Stories [3]
Category: Flappy Bird (Video Game), Sly Cooper (Video Games), Sonic the Hedgehog (Video Games)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Gender Changes, Comic Book Talk, Crimes & Criminals, Dating, Furry, GenderQueer Sly Cooper, Genderqueer Character, Other, Pickpockets, transfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 15:19:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11038872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Godahl/pseuds/Godahl
Summary: Sly Cooper chats with the boyfriend Sonic the Hedgehog while committing acts of theft, but a third party has concerns over secrets Sly holds.





	Lust and Lies

Sly took a prowled through the plaza at noon, eyes darting back and forth fast as a Nascar. “Hang on, my roommate’s talking,” said Sonic, over their phone.

“That bird? Ugh, whatever,” said Sly, walking down Newport past the bookstore. A breeze shot through the plaza, bring chills of cold. The scent of hot dogs drifted without direction wherever Sly walked. Sly turned their head when a llama walk out the bookstore and put a wallet in his pocket. Sly slowed down going past him, but made no eye contact.

The llama stood still, looking at his phone. Sly leaned against the bookstore window. Sonic said, “Okay sorry. Flappy had a question about something. So, I dunno, the X-men are pretty gay, but are any other Marvel guys the same?”

“Spider-man is, or at least I say so,” Sly responded. The llama started walking towards the Graeter’s nearby. Sly followed.

“Really? I don't know! I'd love it if he was, but I don't think there's anything in canon to support that! Doesn’t he have, like, multiple het lovers?”

The llama got in line for ice cream. Sly stood close behind him. “I just have no interest in him marrying Mary Jane or Gwen.” They brushed their hand against the llamas pocket. “And they're gay too.”

“You mean Mary Jane and Gwen Stacy are gay? Okay, that I can see! Maybe they bond over their failed relationships with Peter.”

“Yeah, and he ends up the best man at their wedding.” the llama stared at the menu. Sly stuck two fingers in his pocket. “Their double marriage. Mary Jane marries Gwen and Peter marries… I dunno, Venom or Green Lantern.”

“Green Lantern?”

Sly walked away with the llama's wallet. “I mean the Green Goblin.” They stopped at a garbage can, emptied the wallet, and tossed it.

“Which Green Goblin? Norman or Harry?” Sonic asked.

Sly walked back towards the bookstore. “There’s more than one? Okay. I'm going to be clean with you. I have never read a Spiderman comic in my life.”

Sonic laughed. “Shut up, Flappy,” he said.

“What's Flappy going on about?” Sly entered the bookstore and got on the escalator to the Starbucks.

“Something stupid. Don't worry about it.”

Sly got off the escalator and in the line for coffee. They looked around. A group of friends were at one table, all on laptops. At another table sat a cat woman by herself, reading a book, her purse lying unwatched. “One second,” Sly looked at the Barista, “I'll have a venti mint frappuccino. No, actually, make it a grande.” Sly paid with a gift card and walked over to the corner of the counter. “Really, I just want to kiss Tom Holland.”

“What about Andrew Garfield?” Sonic asked.

“That guy,” Sly said, taking their frappuccino, “Can go fuck himself.” They held their phone to their ear with their shoulder and carried their frappuccino with their right hand. They walked towards the cat lady.

“Woah,” Sonic chuckled, “Hold on. Hey, where are you?”

“At Starbucks,” Sly said, dipping a hand in the cat lady’s purse, “I needed a frappuccino.” They pulled out a billfold and walked away.

“Doing anything in particular?”

Sly dropped by the table with the group on their laptops. “Not really. Talking to you.” They stopped for a second, then walked around their table, sticking two fingers in each person’s pocket, one at a time. They sat typing, looking at the screen.

“Yeah, see? Sorry. Uh, I'm hoping Spider-Man kisses Tony Stark in the new one.”

“Uh, I'm pretty sure Spider-Man’s a minor in that.” Sly put the group’s pocket change in their backpack and left the Starbucks.

“Fuck. Never mind. Have Spiderman kiss… I dunno, Robin. The Teen Titans one.”

Sly rode the escalator down and exited the book store. They walked towards the movie theater. “I don't see any problems with that.”

“Maybe they meet while fighting evil Batman, and Spiderman comforts Robin over Batman turning evil.”

“Yes, yes. Spiderman helps Robin stand up to his abusive adoptive dad.” A goat man at the ticket counter paid the cashier with a hundred dollar bill. Sly stood near the counter but didn't get in line.

“Aw yeah.” Sonic laughed. “I'm going to put you on hold for a sec, I need to use the restroom.”

The goat man took his ticket and walked away. Sly followed. They kept their phone to their ear with their shoulder and sipped their frappuccino. The goat man walked into the bathroom. Sly waited outside.

Time passed.

Then, “Sly you shit!” came a grating voice screamed on Sly’s phone. Not Sonic. Sly stiffened and blinked.

“Uh, who is this?” The goat man walked out of the bathroom. Sly walked behind him.

“It's Flappy fucking Bird, you fartmonger!”

Sly moved closer to the goat man. They brushed a finger on the outside of his pocket. “Hey, Flappy. Nice to hear from you. Does that mean, like, someone who makes a living actually selling farts?”

“Liar! Fuck-ing liar!”

“No, I was asking a question. Questions can’t be lies. Um. You're not being very--”

“You're lying to Sonic! About… something!”

Sly tapped the goat man on the shoulder, but he didn't turn around. “I am not,” they said, “We don't keep secrets from each other.”

“Liar!”

“Okay, Flappy,” said Sly, and tapped the goat man again. He looked back but kept walking, and Sly moved to his other side.

“If you're not lying, what were you doing at Starbucks?”

Sly dipped their hand in the goat man’s pockets. “Nothing unusual about getting a coffee.”

“You can't afford coffee, you don't have a job!”

Sly took an empty hand out the goat man’s pocket. They said nothing.

“What do you do, sell drugs? Are you a loan shark? You’re doing something that’s going to put you in deep shit and I don’t want Sonic in on it!”

“No, I’m not,” Sly responded. The goat man quickened his pace. They kept in pace with the goat man. He turned and walked down a stairwell. Sly followed.

“I don't know what you do with your life, and I don't care! But tell Sonic, for Jesus the fucker’s sake!”

“I'm not lying to anybody, shithead,” said Sly, raising their voice. The goat man turned to them, stared for half a second, then looked away and moved to walk again. Sly put two fingers in his pocket and pulled out a wallet, not budging an inch. The goat man walked away.

“Then don't lie to Sonic!” Flappy screamed, “He's coming out of the bathroom, and I want you to give Sonic the hard dick truth! Otherwise you two should not be dating!”

The goat man patted his pocket and stopped walking. Sly turned around and jogged away. “I already have.” They paused and peeked behind him. The goat man kept going the opposite direction. “And I will.”

No response. Then, “Sorry, Sly. Uh, so! Marvel!” said Sonic.

“What? Oh yeah,” Sly responded, “It's cliche, but yes it would be cool if Tony Stark dated Captain America.” They left the movie theater and walked towards the bridge back to Cincinnati.

“I'm more into Captain America and Bucky.”

Sly walked across the bridge. A bicyclist rode past. “Let's leave room for an oh-tee-three.” They took a breath. “Hey, Sonic?”

“Yeah?”

“I might need to hang up for a bit. I need to call my bro.” Sly looked down at the river. A freight boat sailed by.

“Oh? No problem! Talk to you later, cutie!”

“Later.” Sly hung up and put their phone in their pocket. They stopped walking and leaned against the bridge’s railing. A warm breeze played against their nose. They looked down at the boat. It just kept moving and moving till it was out of sight.


End file.
